Saturday, October 03, 2009

Classifications of Hats

In my school, there are people who wear hats and there are people who don’t. The Hatwearers and Nonhatwearers intermix in groups of friends, so I know some personally. I myself am a Nonhatwearer, since my hair repels anything more complicated than a ponytail (on good days!) and definitely would not tolerate a hat. (I use this excuse in winter when Mom insists I wear one.)

Of the Hatwearers, I notice a few distinct species. Primarily there are the Baseballhats, the Knitcaps, and the Designertops. I have had time to study these fascinating creatures, and have noticed consistencies amongst the groups.

Hatis baseballus
This group contains the more sporty kids, who like to wear their hats as a slogan of their favorite [insert sport here] team or favorite [insert brand name/organization here]. Mostly made up of males, the kids like to fool around with each other’s hats and occasionally put their own or their friends on backwards to look individual. (This usually doesn’t work as everyone soon does the same thing.)

Hatis knitus
These kids are an assortment of both males and females. The knit caps are usually soft and some shade of brown for the females, and any assortment of colors on the males. These are the hats that come closest to serving the honest purpose of keeping one warm, and they usually go quite well with a scarf. Also, the hat could have been knit by a relative or by oneself.

Hatus designerus
Designertops are like arctic foxes—they have a different look in different seasons. In summer these hats, usually worn by elite members of the social hierarchy that possess enough confidence to sport them, are light and colorful and serve little purpose other than style. In the winter, however, they become fuzzy, flappy devices that are generally worn more indoors than outdoors. This species is mostly made up of the female gender, so squeals of “Omigodyourhatissoooocute!” are not uncommon.

Of course, I fit into none of these classifications. The only times I wear hats are when my parental units force me into one when I venture into the tundra (AKA the sledding hill). And then, of course, there was that fuzzy pink hat I donned at my friend’s bat mitzvah. That was, by far, my favorite.

(The email told me to write something about hats...I gave it my best shot :)

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