Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Romance? (snort)

My wife was hanging around when I was doing our taxes, and in the course of our conversation, I mentioned another author had suggested I join the Romance Writers of America .

Of course, my wife nearly snorted up a lung, so for the next fifteen minutes we giggled about
me writing a romance novel. She said the romantic moments would be like, "Hey, I like your butt." Then she added that me writing a romance novel would be like her writing a cookbook (she hates cooking) or a travelogue (she's hates traveling even more).

Then I started Tweeting. So for your enjoyment, here are the top ten reasons I can't write romance.


(clap, clap, clap)

  1. I'm a guy
  2. I hate staring at a blank screen
  3. I'd have to access remote, undeveloped parts of my brain.
  4. When you say 'romance', I say SuperBowl.
  5. I keep that part of my brain mixed up with my funny bone.
  6. It's like ... alien.
  7. No guy can. those guy writers are actually women in disguise.
  8. My wife already thinks I'm Fabio because I cook on weekends and put the toilet seat down.
  9. It ... might ... CHANGE me!
  10. Cuz I'm doing my taxes right now.
  11. When I actually sit and watch a romance, I can feel rigor mortis settling in.
  12. Those are the parts of the movies where I take a pee break.
  13. Romance isn't nudity.
  14. My wife wouldn't recognize me.
  15. Cuz I think romance is bouncing my eyebrows and saying, "how you' doin'?"
  16. Cuz it would just come out creepy.
  17. The amount of wine required would make me a lush and pickle my liver.
  18. Fart jokes and belching the alphabet would have no place in the book.
  19. Have you seen me attempt to dance? I think there's a connection there.
  20. It's Just. Not. Funny.
We stopped because she had to go to the bathroom. What's disturbing was how eager she was to help me create the twenty Top Ten reasons.

And more disturbing, she had twenty more.

So I write humor. It's easier on the brain and I've learned to type with my funny bone.


(author of Fang Face: YA humor/vampire - download into your computer or Kindle and read in less than five minutes for under three bucks!)


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